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  • emerson81304

When it hits.

It being symptoms. I am relatively stable, but that doesn't mean the traumas I grew up with and abandonment issues don't slip in routinely. My mom was a narcissist. My dad was an alcoholic. They both had demons they did nothing to address and then they created me. They gave me all their demons and created some special new ones just for me.

A lot of my mental health issues and problems stem from my childhood. In fact my PTSD is from repeated neglect and abuse. Yet, for those in my family of origin, my parents were wonderful amazing people. For their families they were great. For me, they were not. No one stood up for me. No one protected me from either of them. Each family blames the other side for my issues and no one dealt with shit. Denials and accusations resulted in a person no one truly loved. Whether they actually did love me is not for me to say, I didn't feel love or safety with either parent. When the two people who created you and whom society says should love you most don't - you feel you are unlovable. Mom hated Dad - said he was the reason I was moody. Dad didn't care about Mom and left me with her abuse because it was too much for him to bare. He told me I wasn't worth fighting for.

Sometimes with mood disorders, the symptoms aren't always clear. Sometimes the symptoms aren't in need of a medication change. Sometimes you just have to handle your shit and wade into the murky crap stew that created the PTSD. I work desperately to avoid confrontation with most people. The only people I will actively work through conflict with are my partner and my children. I guess I feel they are the only people worth the emotional turmoil confrontation brings up. They are the only ones I trust to stay.

The view from inside my head is broken and distorted. Noisy and fractured. My internal voice is the meanest person, I say things to myself I couldn't and wouldn't want to say to another living soul. Self inflicted gunshot wounds if you will. My mother inflicted so much trauma and hate upon me, there are moments the voice in my head is her and I don't know how to properly quiet it and change it to be kind to me.

I am a constant work in progress. Good and bad.

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