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I sit staring at a blank page, terrified. The chance to create something meaningful or funny or touching with the power of words. Wondering if I have the power within me to create something meaningful from my fingertips to you. It's a daunting task. It’s a task I keep hoping I am up for as I sit here again and again.
Music is my ever-present companion on these journeys. Whether I am creating with canvas and paints, photography, or sitting here trying to find words to start, music plays in the background. Silence is deafening. Currently it's Depeche Mode, Ghosts Again. It was Taylor Swift talking about Karma a moment ago. I feel viscerally drawn to music, of all types. It fills the silence and gives hope or peace where there was nothing moments before. I often wonder what music others listen to. What beats drive them or help them ease the pain. What beat creates something within them?
I used to write poems, now I just get ideas that sit and go nowhere. It’s sad for me. I get tons of ideas yet lack the ambition or drive to follow through and complete them. Cracky calls it my Autistic/ADHD trait. I call it a pain in the ass. It’s aggravating and upsetting to have creative ideas and then watch them poof into bullshit nothing. To sit and watch a good idea wilt and die. I keep trying though. Maybe one day something will develop, and I can complete an idea to fruition. Success is one of my drivers I guess, but I have yet to actually taste real career success, so who knows.
Prince is singing about a Raspberry Beret now. Maybe that’s the point of this post – just describing my music. What entertains and soothes or drives me. We played a trivia game one night with music, I could name songs with very little intro – artist and song title. It was fun for me and eye opening for my kids. Mom has little pockets left to be discovered, I guess. Maybe the blog and podcast are my ways of finding myself amidst a chaotic world. As P!nk is singing about dancing through it all.
Maybe I should post my playlists as I blog, what influences do you hear? What tone is there, cause my cosmos is mine currently. I wish I had the power in myself I hear in the lyrics Dave Gahan is singing in the background. I lack belief in myself and that’s scary to keep trying while discovering oneself along the way. I am approaching a milestone birthday this year, 50. I sit here still trying to find myself. It’s very disheartening. Maybe I am having a mid-life crisis. Sitting at a computer opening up about the music I hear and its impact on me. My family growing up never believed in me or my creative energy. Save one Aunt. I lost her when I went no contact with my FOO. I think I grieve for her loss more than that of my own mother. It’s hard when there is no belief in you from those that made you. Mother and father included.
Enough Love by Mandalay is playing now. I heard it in an old TV show and I gravitated to it. It’s a haunting melody and her voice is sweetly asking if there is enough love being felt. My hope is one day I will get past all the pain and just get to the happy or creative peace at least.
Then I take a risk, open myself up to others just a bit and sometimes the universe rewards me with a glimpse of promise. I may just turn one of these ideas into something amazing and fun. I want to create something genuinely fun and encompassing the full spectrum of life. The joys and heartaches. That 3way music does in so many ways from so many varying artists. I can’t sing, I sound like a wounded animal. I can’t dance, I have two left feet and zero coordination. Yet I appreciate and love music so deeply. Can you tell my bipolar is a bit active right now. Today’s paragraph is manic and up. The whole tone is different from the rest. I guess that’s the moral of the story – there’s always a new day and always new hope if you can just sit through it long enough.