Accountability. Yea I know.

Accountability. When I say accountability, I am accountable to myself, for me and my actions. I believe we are all accountable to ourselves for our thoughts and actions. I find this quality to be so elusive in our society currently. Who are you accountable to? Who holds you accountable? Spouse, parent, child, friend? Your pet? Do they hold you accountable for your actions? I prefer self-accountability. I am also accountable to my spouse and kids as well for my actions. These are my commitments and bonds of choice.

Accountability is a personality trait that has become lost. Choosing to be accountable to yourself is harder than is sounds. I am accountable to my husband for money spent and my actions around the home, it’s part of me. I am a care giver by nature. I am a SAHM, still. They are currently teenagers, and I am still home. Part of that is due to my disability benefits from the government for being messed up in the head. One day I hope to change that. But for now…I try for part time work. I try but do not always succeed, there’s always failure at work.

I am accountable to my children. Children I chose to bring into this world. Not all women are moms by choice, some had no choice. I was lucky enough to have the choice for each of my children. They are gifts I asked for. Not all moms consider their children as gifts – including my mom. I was a duty born to a woman who was accountable to herself and herself alone.

My mom was a narcissist. She strove for the approval of her parents her entire life. I gave up and went no contact 10 years ago, she passed 4 years ago. Now, there are some that want to hold me accountable for that choice, and that is fine. They didn’t live my life with my choices and my pain. One day, I may be held accountable for that choice. That’s OK, I am ready for that.

I was taught to be accountable to my mom first and myself second. As long as I was less to her, the punishment for misbehavior it was better for her. As long as I was less than to my mom, I could survive. Her unattainable standards and abusive and manipulative.

Everything I say and everything I do - I am accountable for it. I own it. Every fuck up. Every success. I need to hold myself accountable for myself and my choices. I fail me more than I could every fail another living being. When it’s just Emerson’s work - I fail. I can do for others in ways I can’t for myself, and this podcast is to change that. This podcast is my personal external accountability. This podcast is me being honest with myself. The hardest thing ever.

I hope to help someone beyond myself, that makes me feel really good if I can help someone. Helping others feel better and feel good makes me feel good. A tad selfish though.

What other accountabilities should I have? I work on myself, and therapy is one of my chosen tools. Today, in therapy I discussed my dad. Did I hold him accountable for standards he couldn’t achieve? Did I waste time with my father before he passed? These are the thoughts I have. My thoughts become my feelings. My feelings become my actions. Yes, there are external influences, but ultimately your thoughts and behaviors come from you. What you feel is your responsibility.

Today I am accountable to me.